Love and Order

Most of us would say love is chaotic, messy, and irrational. But is it?

Image by Peter Herrmann on Unsplash

October 2, 2024 | Zurich, Switzerland

This image put a smile on my face… I feel it symbolizes how our inner lives look at times. Family, schools, communities, organizations, and society have shared their wisdom with us, but they have also left some of their baggage—obsolete beliefs and fears, entanglements, and prejudices. The list goes on.

Upon an honest internal audit, we may find it difficult to identify our own beliefs and values among everyone else’s. It feels difficult to orient ourselves. We tend to get triggered without even knowing why. We “bump” into each other, and as we do, we say things we don’t mean… You know how that goes…

We all talk about love, but more often than not, we associate it with chaos, messiness, and emotions we don’t understand or know how to control. And yet, as it turns out, love is orderly, logical, even predictable…

If only our inner lives did not resemble the room above. Here's why…

First things first…

I am not an expert on this subject in the traditional sense. And yet, my journey has shown me things worth sharing. It’s also my attempt to move beyond the positive clichés on social media that, in fact, have more negative than positive effect.

I would go so far as to say that many of the dysfunctions in our world, the things that really bother us and the things that really worry us, would not be solved unless we bring order to our understanding of love.

A lot of my learnings come from the world of Systemic Constellations. Before I dive deeper, I would like to acknowledge the work of Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellations. Bert Hellinger explored the intricate workings of human relationships within family systems and their profound impact on our lives.

Bert Hellinger observed that life in general, and love in particular, follow invisible laws that govern harmony and balance within families.

He called these laws the Orders of Love, which included the Order of Belonging, the Order of Hierarchy, and the Order of Giving and Receiving.

Later, his students discovered that the same laws govern all living systems—groups, communities, organizations, and society as a whole.

When I first encountered these laws, I was touched by their wisdom and I could feel how profound they were. And yet, it took me a while to fully understand them. More importantly, as time passed, I started seeing how we violate them and what that means for us individually and collectively.

Today, I believe that the Orders of Love are fundamental principles that underpin healthy relationships and a prosperous, harmonious life on all levels of all living systems- self, family, groups, organizations, communities, Society, Nature....

Before we go any further, let’s see which love are we’re talking about.

Here are the types of love defined by the Ancient Greeks but divided into categories:

love

In this category, I would include what the Ancient Greeks called:

• Ludus (playful love)—the playful, noncommittal love, covering things like flirting, seduction, and casual sex.

• Pragma (practical love)—the love based on duty, obligation, or logic, seen in relationships where practicality takes precedence over romance.

• Mania (obsessive love)—the kind of “love” a stalker feels toward their victim, and in general, addicts feel toward their addiction.

Love

In this category, I would include what the Ancient Greeks called:

• Eros (romantic love)—the love that involves romantic and passionate feelings.

• Storge (family love)—the love family members have for one another.

• Philia (deep friendship)—the love between really good friends.

• Philautia (self-love)—the healthy love a person feels for themselves, leading to self-esteem and authenticity, as opposed to the darker (narcissistic) side.

LOVE

Agape (universal love)—This is what the Ancient Greeks called the unconditional form of love and connection we feel for other human beings and humanity. The word’s origin refers to being open and in wonder. In that state, we honor the Divine within each other and ourselves. We live in a sense of oneness with the Divine and all living systems, and we are capable of connecting soul to soul.

Kama-muta is another word that speaks to this same aspect of the human experience. It’s not Ancient Greek but a Sanskrit word meaning “moved by love.” It expresses the sudden feeling of oneness, love, belonging, or union with an individual, a family, a team, a nation, Nature, the cosmos, God, a dog, or a kitten.

Moving forward, I will focus on the last two—Love and LOVE—but I will drop the capital letters unless I want to differentiate.

My Take on Hellinger’s Orders of Love

Hellinger realized that several orders or laws govern our ability to freely and openly give and receive love:

Order of Belonging

The first order emphasizes everyone’s deep need for belonging, along with the need for any living system to honor and integrate all its parts. It recognizes that everyone has an equal right to belong, irrespective of their good or bad choices, circumstances, actions, values, or contributions. By acknowledging the presence of each living being within the system, we affirm the wholeness of the larger tapestry of connections and relationships, restoring everyone’s right to belong and contribute, and thus the system’s wholeness and health.

A common way we violate this order is by excluding people, groups, and/or ideas from the systems we belong to. We do this by idealizing, ignoring, judging, blaming, or simply not seeing them.

Here are some questions for self-audit:

• Do I easily fall into idealizing a specific point of view or belief system? Do I get easily upset or charged when I hear views that oppose mine?

• Have I excluded people and/or ideas from my life (family, organizations, community) who don’t share my position, views, values, or level of consciousness?

• Am I knowingly or unknowingly denying someone or something the right to belong and be integrated within the systems I am part of?

As we perform this audit, it’s critical to differentiate between including/recognizing the right to belong and agreeing with or liking that person, group, or viewpoint. The right to belong is irrespective of whether we agree with or like someone or something. It is everyone’s innate right to belong, and by excluding them, we bring unhealthiness to the system and ourselves.

Order of Hierarchy

The second order highlights the importance of understanding and honoring the order of arrival within living systems. Hierarchies naturally exist in every living system. For example, parents hold a unique position with regard to their children—they were here before us, and we exist because of them. The same applies to founders in relation to future owners of an organization, older employees in relation to newer ones, aboriginal populations over newcomers, and so on. Altogether, it’s about honoring those who came before us and recognizing that what we know, do, and create is also because of them. By acknowledging and honoring all who came before us, we restore order, justice, and fairness in the system.

One of the ways we violate this order is by failing to recognize the hierarchy within the systems we belong to or by getting stuck due to undue loyalties and other entanglements. We also violate this order by copying and using the work of others without giving them proper recognition.

Here are some questions for self-audit:

• How good am I at recognizing those who’ve been here before me (in my family, organization, community) and honoring everyone on whose “shoulders” I stand?

• Do I see my place in the web of life, recognizing the interconnectedness and hierarchy within the living systems I belong to? How healthy are my connections to the generations before me?

• Am I entangled in hidden loyalties or other unhealthy ties to the past? Am I easily triggered or repeating things without taking the space to form my own opinion?

As we conduct this audit, it’s important to remember that recognizing those who came before us is not about agreeing with them or liking them. It's about untangling ourselves from judgments and blame and accepting that they were here before us and did what they could given their life circumstances. By doing this, we remove boundaries between generations that artificially create unhealthiness within the systems we belong to.

Order of Giving and Receiving

The third order highlights the importance of balancing giving and receiving. Many of us have been taught to believe that giving is more honorable than receiving. Yet, when we receive, we honor the giver’s life, acknowledge their gifts, and support them in fulfilling their journey. When we are unwilling to receive from someone, we question their worth and deny them the opportunity to be in service. Likewise, when our gifts are not received, we feel unfulfilled and fear we are not needed. When we give, we feel our gifts are recognized, and we can be of service. By being open to both giving and receiving, we bring balance and fairness into the system.

One way we violate this order is by focusing too much on independence and self-sustenance out of fear of dependence. This often results in emphasizing our need to give, but not being open to receiving.

Here are some questions for self-audit:

• Do I prioritize self-sustenance and independence to a level that shuts me off from being open to receiving the gifts of others?

• Do I believe giving is more noble than receiving? Am I suffocating relationships by giving more than requested or more than the other can reciprocate?

• How good am I at initiating a healthy exchange by first opening up to receive the gifts of others, or do I start relationships by giving?

As we perform this audit, it’s essential to understand that life is initiated by giving. The most profound example is the fact that our parents have given us life. The worst thing we can do is fail to be grateful for that. This is a gift that can never be repaid (nor should we try). It just needs to be acknowledged and received with gratitude. The same principle applies in all relationships—we initiate a healthy exchange by receiving the gifts of others.

Love Actually…

Love is a bit like how some people think of free markets and deregulation. (I agree only to an extent with them but that’s another article.) When it comes to love, the state of love and interconnectedness is the natural state of being in a living system. All we have to do is get out of its way with our unhealthy behaviors. That magically creates space for love to flow, fostering profound connections, beauty, and prosperity.

None of this is however possible when our inner lives look like the image above. It’s also unrealistic to think we can “clean house” once and be done with it. It’s an ongoing commitment to keep auditing, cleaning, and getting out of the way.

Please feel free to add other self-auditing questions in the comments that come to mind. Also, feel free to share whether these orders make sense to you.